I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
