Say something about gay babies.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.