im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
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The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
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I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.