if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
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whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
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I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
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