I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
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We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
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Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow