I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
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I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
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Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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