I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
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We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
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I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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