how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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