At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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