I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
where are my eyebrows?
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