if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
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