I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Randomize
