3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
