I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
