I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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