sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
