I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
