halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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