i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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