I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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