Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
