and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
