I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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