she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Randomize
