today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
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