I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
A+ Viking dick
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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