Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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