12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
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