I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
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