I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
