I was born with a shot glass in my hand
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Randomize
