she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
