Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
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