I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Randomize
