If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
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Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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