I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
