My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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