your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
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