your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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