I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
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