You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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