I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
