when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
Dignity is for republicans.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
