You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
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I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
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I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
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