I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
