so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
