hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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