I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
We left the knife in your bed.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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