Sorry, I don't speak sober.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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