last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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