Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
