Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
That's how pantless uber rides happen
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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