Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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