i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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