So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Randomize
