Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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