A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
