I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
