I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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