i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
