i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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