Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
