Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
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