Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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