Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Randomize
