I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
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