Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Sorry about my life...
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
