its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
