Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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