I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
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